


Sandcastles

by mechan_ism



Series: Erosion [1]
Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Angst, Growing Up, M/M, fluff?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-03 11:19:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5288732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mechan_ism/pseuds/mechan_ism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Best friends should stay best friends, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Growing Up

**Author's Note:**

> This written for a friend. I hope you enjoy it.

Youngjae is five when he meets Daehyun.  He’s loud and rambunctious, the complete opposite of the shy and timid Youngjae.  He’s dark and has a front tooth missing whenever he smiles, and he smiles _a lot._   Youngjae didn’t have many friends, he usually just kept to himself in the corner of the sandlot while everyone else was running around playing tag.  He’d look up every once in a while in the midst of building his sandcastles, and wonders how it would be like to be one of the other kids too. 

Then one day when Youngjae’s castles keep falling and there are tears brimming at his eyes, he sees a hand come out.  When he looks up, he sees the loud boy in his class smiling down at him.

“Do ya need some help?” Daehyun asks as he crouches down, picking up a pail and filling it with sand.

 Youngjae looks at him absentmindedly.  No one has ever talked to him like that.  It’s always a few remarks and exchanges between his classmates, nothing more and nothing less.  He’s always wanted to play with everyone, to make some friends other than his mom, but he never had the courage to.  When he finally built up some confidence to say something, his voice would get stuck in his throat as another lost opportunity walked away.  

“Why are you staring at me?  My mommy says that staring is rude,” Daehyun says as he plops his body to the ground, his small hands patting at the sand.

“I-I’m sorry,” Youngjae says quietly as he drops his gaze into his hands.

“That’s okay!” the elder smiles.  “Why are you always so quiet?” 

“I-I don’t really know.  My daddy says it’s because I’m too shy,” Youngjae replies as he twirls his finger in the sand.

“Don’t you get loud with your friends?  Like when you’re playing tag or video games and stuff?”

Youngjae frowns instantly.  “I don’t really have any friends,” he sniffles. 

“Then I’ll be your friend!” Daehyun smiles widely, tilting his head.

 Youngjae’s head lifts up, his little mouth hung agape as he stares at the other.  Tears start to well up in his eyes as his lip is trembling.  “Weally?” he says happily through a blubbering smile.

“Oh no!  Youngjae, please don’t cry!  I’ll go get the teacher!” Daehyun worries as he gets up.  But before he can leave, there is a hand tugging at his shirt.  He turns around to see Youngjae wiping his face with his sleeve, his cheeks red and puffed out.

“Will you really be my friend?” the younger asks as he looks up.

“Yeah, of course I will!” Daehyun smiles again. 

When his tears are dried, Youngjae smiles back at his elder.  He has this funny feeling in his chest but ignores it as Daehyun sits down and they start building sand castles together.  Youngjae looks up every now and then to look at Daehyun, admiring how forward he is.  The coolest kid in their class wants to be friends with him, and all Youngjae can do is smile because he’s never felt so happy before. 

“Daehyun, do you want to play with us!” a boy from their class yells as he runs up to the boys, a ball held tightly in his hand.

Youngjae gasps as the other comes closer.  He’s Daehyun’s best friend. They’re always together and the first to be picked when they play kick ball.  Youngjae is always the last as he can’t really kick that far and always ends up getting himself out of the game.  He mostly sits on the bench as he plays with his figurines, watching as Daehyun and his friends score another point.

Youngjae’s shoulders slouch as he drops his head, too afraid to listen to their conversation because he knows his new friend will leave him to hang out with the cooler kids.  He knows that he shouldn’t be too sad though.  Youngjae knows he’s too lame to hang out with Daehyun, but he secretly wishes that this moment can last longer so he can at least tell his parents he almost made a new friend today.

“No, I’m gonna stay with Youngjae!  We’re making sandcastles!” Daehyun tells his friend.

Youngjae stares at his elder in shock.  His little mind just can’t understand why Daehyun would want to stay with him instead of playing with his friends.  They’ve only just met.  It can’t be true, can it?

“Why?” the other asks. 

“I don’t know,” Daehyun shrugs.  “It just seems fun, I guess.”

“But he’s so _quiet_.  How can you have fun with him?”

Youngjae can feel his heart thrum into his ears.  His hands are sweaty as he bites into the nail of his thumb.  He knows the other is right.  Why would someone as cool and fun as Daehyun want to hang out with someone like him?  He’s too shy and probably won’t even be able to keep up with him.

“Hey, Youngjae is my friend!  Don’t be a meanie towards him!  He’s cool and stuff! And he makes nice sandcastles.  He’s just shy!  I don’t really know what that means, but his daddy said it, so it must be true!” Daehyun refutes as he stands in front of the other boy, his arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed. 

“Fine!  Have fun playing with him while we’re at the jungle gym doing cooler stuff than sandcastles,” the boy says as he stomps off.

“Why did you do that?” Youngjae asks as Daehyun sits before him.

“Do what?” the elder asks as he fills the pail with sand.

“Your friend.  Aren’t you afraid that he’s mad at you?”

“Jaewoo?  That’s okay.  He’s my cousin.  He can’t really be mad because my mommy and his mommy are sisters.  If I tell on him, he’s going to be in really big trouble.  And you’re my friend!  It doesn’t feel good when someone is mean to you.”

Youngjae smiles as he looks at the elder focusing so hard on the castles in front of him.  He’s happy in school for once, all because of his new friend, Daehyun 

“Argh!  Why aren’t they staying up!” the other yells as he throws the small shovel to the ground.

“You need water.  I can get some,” Youngjae replies as he gets up.

“We’ll get them together!” Daehyun says, joining the other as they walk to faucet. 

Youngjae laughs at Daehyun when the water splatters at him for turning the handle too high.  And for the first time, Youngjae thinks he’s going to enjoy going to school from now on.  If he gets to spend time with his new friend, then everything doesn’t seem so bad.

 *          *          * 

Youngjae is ten when he meets his first bully.  His name is Jiho and he’s big and tall and really scary.  He’s been pushing Youngjae around and taking his lunches.  Now he has Youngjae cornered with his friends blocking Youngjae’s way.  The younger is trembling as he pushes his glasses up, the thick frames soon taken from him as Jiho smashes his foot on them.  Youngjae gasps and starts to cry, his hands reached before his body to try and block off the others.

“Youngjae, where are our lunches?” Jiho asks, his friends laughing at the terrified little boy before them.

“I-I don’t have them,” Youngjae replies, his body shaking in fear 

“Aw, and we were really looking forward to them, weren’t we guys?” the other says as he tilts his head back to his friends, a mixture of comments coming from them.

“I’ll give them to you tomorrow,” Youngjae trembles.

“But we wanted them now.  Tomorrow is too late,” the other replies as he gets closer. 

“Hey, get away from him!”  a voice yells.  And before they know it, Daehyun is there, pushing Jiho back as he blocks his best friend from his bullies.

“What are you doing here, Daehyun?  Shouldn’t you be at soccer practice?” Youngjae asks from behind him. 

“Hyosung noona told me she saw Jiho and his friends following you.  But that doesn’t matter now!” Daehyun tells him.  “Hey, Jiho!  You better stop bullying my friend or else!”  Daehyun pushes his chest out and stands tall, hoping that it would ward off the others.

“Or else what, Jung?  You’ll go and tell your mommy?” Jiho laughs, his friends joining in.

“No, but I’ll tell everyone what you did in the second grade when we went to the zoo,” Daehyun retorts, crossing his arms in triumph when he sees the other shrink in form.

“You wouldn’t,” Jiho glares, fear hidden behind his eyes.

“Oh yes I will.  If I even hear that you’re bullying Youngjae again, I’ll tell everyone how you peed--”

“Okay, we’ll stop!  Just don’t tell anyone what happened, Jung!” Jiho stomps away before Daehyun can reply, his friends in tow.

The elder sighs in relief as he turns around, his eyes staring straight at the other.  “I told you to tell me whenever this stuff happens, Youngjae!”

“I’m sorry, Daehyun.  It all happened so fast and I didn’t want to bother you at practice,” he pouts.

“I don’t care about practice!  I care about you, Youngjae!  You’re lucky that noona saw you.  You could have gotten another black eye if I didn’t arrive here in time!”

“I know,” Youngjae says, his head hung low as his hands are folded into one another.

“And?” Daehyun asks expectantly 

“It won’t happen again.”

“Good.  I just don’t like it when you get hurt!  They’re just losers, Jae.  They’re just jealous because you’re so much smarter and cooler.”

Youngjae smiles up to Daehyun, that familiar thumping in his chest thrumming in his ears. 

They walk back to the soccer field, there bodies getting so close at times that their hands brush and Youngjae pulls away with a faint smile against his lips.  Daehyun’s coach is yelling at him, but when practice starts, Daehyun smiles back to the younger.  He has his fingers pulled into a “v” as he’s running around.  Youngjae grips at the chain linked fence as his eyes follow the elder wherever he goes.  He finds his eyes can’t leave Daehyun, it’s like they’re glued to him.  But Youngjae thinks that it’s okay.  Daehyun is a good soccer player.  He’s also _really_ nice to look at.

 *          *          * 

Youngjae is sixteen when he realizes he is attracted to men.  It is a shock at first, but as he starts accepting who he is, things became easier.  Girls just can’t do it for him.  He’s never really liked one, and on the slim chance that he would get confessed to, he’d always decline.  His eyes would always linger on a man’s body, trailing over their fine lines and firm curves.  He would find his heart racing as an attractive boy came his way, but what really set it is when he sleeps over at Daehyun’s house one night.

It’s like normal times, Youngjae’s slept over at his best friend’s house so many times that Daehyun’s parents are starting to treat him like a second son.  Youngjae is lying flat on his stomach atop Daehyun’s bed, his thumbs tapping at his new portable game console.  Then, out of the shower comes a glistening boy of sixteen, a towel wrapped around his waist.  The younger gasps to himself as the device in his hand soon falls onto the sheets, forgotten.  Youngjae hadn’t noticed till then that Daehyun had somehow developed some muscles around his arms and chest.  His thighs are thicker and overall he just looks _hot._   Youngjae finds his heart racing and he doesn’t know what to do because Daehyun is his best friend, and a boy.  There are so many warning signals going off in his mind, but he can’t help but still admire the taunt skin trickling with beads of water. 

Daehyun takes off his towel and Youngjae goes completely red, turning his head to the side.  He can hear the elder shuffle around, his own hand clutched at his chest to calm him down.

“So I heard Minah confessed to you,” Daehyun says as he plops down beside Youngjae, the younger still trying to compose himself.

“Y-Yeah,” the younger mutters as he tries to scoot away from Daehyun without the other noticing.  His stupid hormones are running wild at the moment, and the elder’s toned body close to his is the farthest thing he needs right now.

“So what you gonna tell her?” Daehyun asks as he loops his fingers together, strands of his hair still sticking to his face.

“I’m gonna say no.  I don’t really know her, and I’m not into girls at the moment.”

“Oh?” Daehyun questions with an eyebrow raised.

“Yeah.  I just wanna focus on school right now,” Youngjae chides, hoping that Daehyun would buy it and stop pushing for answers.  It’s a topic he has yet to feel comfortable about, one he himself has yet to find the answer to. 

“Okay, yeah.  But you’re always studying, dude.  Don’t you ever think about dating?” the elder asks as he shifts his position.

“I dunno. Never really thought about it.”

“What if you dated a guy?”

Youngjae sits up and turns to Daehyun when he hears that question.  There is a sudden chill that creeps up his spine, like a cold bucket of water has been spilled over his body.  He feels so exposed in one instant, like a Band-Aid ripping at his skin.

“Why do you ask?” Youngjae says nervously.

“Dunno.  Just curious I guess.  But if you played that way, I’d be okay with it. 

“Really?” the younger asks timidly, a tinge of hope laced within his voice.

“Yeah, dude!  Who cares if you shag some men!  As long as you’re happy, right?  And I dunno.  I think some guys are kinda cute too,” Daehyun says as he lowers his head, a faint blush forming beneath her cheeks. 

“Really?” the other asks shocked.  Youngjae stills in his place as he tries to process everything, his breath barely even there.

“What?  Are you judging me now?” Daehyun tries to joke. 

“No, I think it’s just shocking.  You’re the most popular boy in school.  All the girls are after you,” manages to say.

“Yeah, I know.  And I’m not saying I’m not attracted to them, it’s just I think some guys are cute too.  Argh, I shouldn’t have told you.  You probably think I’m some freak and don’t want to be friends with me anymore.”

“No! No! I will never want to stop being friends with you.  You’re really cool for telling that and I dunno, I kinda feel the same way too,” Youngjae admits as he holds his breath. 

“Really?” Daehyun asks as he looks up expectantly.

“Yeah.  I guess you can say I’m attracted to guys too.  Oh God.  I shouldn’t have said that, you think I’m gross now, right?” 

“No, I’m shocked, but not grossed out.  I guess we’re best friends for a reason,” Daehyun jokes, trying to lighten the mood.  “We have similar tastes, if you know what I mean.” 

“Yeah… so can we go eat the cookies your mom made?  It’s getting really awkward since all of this is new and stuff,” Youngjae asks, quick to change the subject. 

“Yeah, sure.  Let me just get a jacket.  And Youngjae?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for telling me, and listening to me I guess.  I’m really lucky to have you as a friend.”

Youngjae smiles back as he feels a pang in his heart.  He doesn’t know why, but he’s feeling disappointed for some reason.  But he soon shakes it off as Daehyun waits for him at the door, his eyes trailing down the elder’s back with his fists held tight and heart beating fast.

*          *          * 

Youngjae is seventeen when he realizes that he likes Daehyun.  It’s a hot summer day and their friends decide to go to the beach, and with Youngjae being the clumsy person he is, he falls over a hidden branch.  His ankle hurts a bit, so he sits out on all the activities.  He’s nestled under the umbrella as he watches over their things, his friends running around in the sand. 

With his weight shifted onto his palms as he leans back, Youngjae sulks for ruining the trip for himself.  He’d been looking forward to this, crossing out the dates on his calendar until the date finally came.  But it’s all gone in an instant, like a fading memory that gets lost as the years go by.  But then a figure sits next to his, Youngjae sitting up immediately as he loses his train of thought, his head turned to look over.

“Daehyun, what are you doing here?” 

“Sitting with you, duh,” the elder laughs as he pulls his knees into his chest.

“Why aren’t you playing with Yongguk and them?  You’ve been looking forward to this,” Youngjae asks. 

“Yeah, and so have you.  I’m not going to let my best friend mope around because he had to freaking screw up his ankle on the day he’d been waiting for since we all planned it.  So, I thought I’d keep you company, ya know?  Since I am so amazingly awesome,” Daehyun smiles. 

“What?  No, Daehyun.  Go have some fun.  I’m just sitting here being all lame.  Don’t waste your day like this,” Youngjae tells him.  But he can’t help but feel happy that the elder is willing to spend time with him.  Youngjae feels a warm fuzzy feeling inside him and he hopes it’s nothing because he can feel himself becoming nervous around Daehyun.  So much that he doesn’t know if he can even form a proper sentence anymore. 

“You are the farthest thing from lame, Youngjae.  And besides, we can have just as much fun here than playing soccer with them,” Daehyun says as he points to their friends,

“But you love soccer…” Youngjae mumbles. 

“But I like spending time with you. I hardly see you anymore since you’ve transferred to the smarter class,” the elder says.  Youngjae thinks he sees Daehyun’s shoulders slump as he plays with some sand, but Daehyun is too quick to change his form before Youngjae can look closer. 

“I’m sorry,” Youngjae says. 

“Gosh, Jae.  Why are you always apologizing?  It’s not your fault you’re like a super genius.  Anyways, I have a surprise for you!” the elder tells him excitedly.

Before Youngjae can even ask what it is, Daehyun whips his body around and grabs at some bags from behind.  He then hurriedly opens them up and dumps the contents before them. 

“Ta dah!” Daehyun chimes with his arms wide open. 

There in the sand, are plastic pails and tiny shovels.  They’re different colors and Youngjae can’t help but smile when he sees them.

“Go ahead, tell me I’m the greatest friend ever,” the elder jokes as he lifts his chin a bit, his arms crossed in triumph.

“Daehyun, what the hell do you want to do with these?  We’re seventeen, not five,” Youngjae refutes.

The younger can’t help but giggle when he sees Daehyun’s mouth drop open, his arms falling slack.  This is obviously not the reaction that he wanted, but Youngjae knows this very well and won’t miss a chance to joke around with his elder. 

“I’m kidding.  I love it, it’s like when we were kids,” Youngjae smiles as he starts to fill a pail with sand.

“Dang, way to ruin my thunder.  I thought you’d be happy.”

“I am, Daehyun, really.  These are like symbols; you know?  Of our friendship.”

“Yeah, I remember you were so quiet back then, always just playing alone in the sand lot.  Until I came around.  You know, I was really nervous when I came up to you.  I thought you were sorta cool how you didn’t talk to any of us.  I was afraid that I would be ignored and have to go running to my cousin out of embarrassment,” Daehyun says as he crouches down, shifting his weight onto his heels.  He has a small shovel in his hand as he scoops up the sand and watches it fall before him. 

“Really?  You’re lying.  You were like the coolest kid in our class. Everyone wanted to be friends with you, even me.  I was just too shy to even say anything,” Youngjae tells him. 

“Well it’s a good thing I asked to be your friend.  I don’t know where I’d be without you.  We’re kinda inseparable now, don’t you think?” Daehyun smiles widely as he moves his head to look at the other.

Youngjae swears he can feel his heart stop at that one moment.  His face heats up as his hand starts to quiver.  There is this tumbling sensation and Youngjae feels he is going to cry and throw up at the same time.  There are butterflies in his stomach and all Youngjae wants to do is run away because Daehyun is too perfect and he just can’t stop staring at him.  There is a lump forming in his throat as his mind goes blank, with only one thought playing over and over again.  _He likes Daehyun_.

He used to think it was only an infatuation, because who was Youngjae kidding?  Daehyun is _hot_.  He is everyone’s dream, the star player of the soccer team.  He’s nice, humble, and has a smile that burns into Youngjae’s mind like a bug under a magnifying glass.  But nothing has ever been as clear to Youngjae as it is now.  He only wonders if he’d always liked Daehyun, or is it only now that he notices that his best friend is all that he’s been looking for.

“Oh, we need some water.  I’ll go get some,” Daehyun says as he grabs a pail and heads over to the ocean.

Youngjae watches with fluttering eyes as the sun hits the elder’s body perfectly, every muscle being illuminated in the afternoon sky.  When he turns around and catches Youngjae staring at him, Daehyun smiles and captures Youngjae’s heart all over again. 

*          *          * 

Youngjae is eighteen when he realizes he’s in love with Daehyun.  The elder has come out that he is gay and everyone somehow accepts it.  Daehyun became a catalyst after that, more and more people revealing their true selves one after another, including Youngjae.  They all thought that if the cool jock can do it, so can they.  It’s not like it’s a taboo to be gay, everyone was just shocked that Daehyun was as well.  They all thought he was some ladies man, dropping panties left and right.  But not everyone is as they seem, and Daehyun is rather brave to do this at a time where identity can be so fleeting.

As time passes, Youngjae finds himself falling in love with Daehyun more and more every day.  But it doesn’t hit him to how much he’s fallen until he catches Daehyun making out with a boy behind the school.  They have their arms around each other and all Youngjae wants to do is cry.  But he runs instead, he runs so fast that he falls to the floor when he manages to finally stop.  His heart hurts and everything in his life seems like a lie.  It feels as if needles are being wedged into his skin, pricking every nerve until his entire body is bursting beneath the surface.   

He knew it was only a matter of time before Daehyun found himself a boyfriend, or a lover.  But it still hurts nonetheless.  It hurts as much as death, Youngjae supposes.  He’s never had a near death experience or thought about ending his life, but he thinks it feels like this.  He feels like his insides have been torn into, like his bones are strained into a position that he can’t get up from.  It’s like the whole world is crashing down on him, that everyone’s turned their backs on him, leaving him in his own self pity.   And that’s when the first tear falls.  It’s slow at first, a lone streak tricking down his face.  Then there is another, and another, until he can’t stop himself anymore.  His lips are stretched back, hands crossed and pressed against his elbows.  He’s bent over, his head shaking, trying to forget the image in his head.  It just all seems so unfair, Youngjae’s liked Daehyun longer than anyone.  Daehyun is his stars and moon and sun and just about everything.  But while his heart aches for the elder, Daehyun has gone and given his to another.

Youngjae can hear lightning and thunder, heavy showers of rain falling onto the ground.  He can feel the cold wind blow against his body, sending shivers up his spine and pain into his joints.  But it’s only his imagination.  There are no storms, no hurricanes.  It’s just Youngjae alone in the middle of a hallway, the trembling of his heart causing him to hallucinate such things. It’s so loud that he can’t even ignore it, so prominent in his own being that every pulse breaks through him until he’s huddled into himself and fears even the smallest of noises.  It’s like a ticking time bomb, he thinks.  Any moment now his heart will explode and splatter against the wall.  But he thinks it’s okay, seeing as his heart is broken, it no longer has a purpose. 

He regrets it all now, for not telling Daehyun how he feels, but he was so scared of losing the relationship he has with him.  People like Daehyun only come once in your life, and Youngjae was going to make sure that he was never going to leave. But he can’t help but feel so helpless that he had screwed up his chances.  The stream of what if’s keep clouding his mind, plaguing his thoughts.  He’s had so many chances to confess, but something always got in the way.  He’d been a coward, too afraid of his own feelings to admit them.  He feels like he’s the scared little boy in kindergarten again, but this time there is no Daehyun to rescue him.  He’s gone to another child while Youngjae quietly waits for him in his sandbox, despite knowing that he will never come.

“Youngjae?" 

The younger freezes in place when he hears that familiar voice.  It is as if he’s speaking with icicles dripping from his tongue, so cold and distant that Youngjae feels shivers down his body. 

“Daehyun,” he says as his fingers start to twitch, his body getting off of the ground.  He’s dusting himself off a bit as he feels the elder’s eyes on him, wary not to make direct contact, at least not yet. 

“What are you doing here?  Don’t you have your debate club?”

“I do, but it was canceled.  I was going to look for you, but here you are.”  The younger’s back is still towards him, Youngjae still trying to find the courage to look him into the eyes when he knows that he is breaking inside.  But Daehyun is adamant, he always is.  A few more words, and he has Youngjae looking straight at him, so loud and friendly that Youngjae can’t keep his rouse any longer.  There is an excitement behind Daehyun’s eyes as they converse, and Youngjae wishes time would stop before he hears Daehyun mutter those words that signal the end to any hopes that Youngjae ever had of one day becoming the elder’s lover.  It hurts to even think about it, like a knife being stabbed into his heart. But he forgot that when you mix love and friendship together, you get a poisonous liquid that starts to erode your very existence away until you realize that you are the cause of your own unhappiness. 

“Hey, Youngjae.  I have something to tell you,” the elder smiles.

Youngjae closes his eyes momentarily as he tries to prepare himself.  His fingers push into his palms as he can feel his knees shaking.  He breathes in shakily, the roof of his mouth dry and jaw clenched.  It’s all his fault, and he knows it.  If only he’d have told Daehyun, if only he’d have the courage to own up to his feelings, to take matters into his own hands.  But it’s too late, and now Youngjae has never wanted to disappear more in his life than this.

“I’ve met someone.  His name is Sunwoong.  He’s younger than us, but he’s great.  I think I _really_ like him.” 

His heart drops when he hears the last word, the blood in his veins growing so cold that he doesn’t even know if he can move.  Youngjae wants to wipe that blush off of Daehyun’s cheeks.  He wants to push and shove and scream.  He wants to wipe the elder’s memory of the other and fill it only with himself, to make Daehyun channel all these emotions onto Youngjae, as he has done for the elder.  He wants to even the playing field, to make himself the sole object of Daehyun’s thoughts.  He wants Daehyun to feel like he’d die if Youngjae was never there, like the younger feels right now.  He wants to wind back time so he can tell Daehyun how he feels, because ruining their relationship would feel a thousand times better than what he feels now.  But even more, he wants to rip out his own heart because in that moment, he realizes how much he loves Daehyun. 

All of it boils down into this one instant and Youngjae can’t do anything about it.  He’s past the point of no return and he hates himself for feeling this way.  Because if he didn’t love Daehyun, then he wouldn’t be feeling so much like shit right now.  If he didn’t love Daehyun, things would be so much easier, like a midsummer day worrying of nothing but the boiling heat against his skin.  Without these, there’d be no such thing as pain, as feeling like his heart is being shoved into a tiny box as a magician stick pins and needles through the surface.  He just wants to hide from the world until everything goes away, until he can face Daehyun and tell him honestly that he’s happy for him.  But that’s just the thing, Youngjae knows that these feelings are ingrained within himself.  They’ve become so much a part of him that he feels as if his body is being ripped at, one piece at a time.  Because Daehyun is that certain type of person who can grab hold of someone’s heart and never let it go.  He’s got long claws punctured into Youngjae, yet he doesn’t even know it.  And that’s the sheer irony of it all.  If Youngjae wasn’t so torn up about everything, he’d be laughing because everything is so fucking horrible and shitty, yet Daehyun has not a clue to anything that is going on. 

Youngjae falls in a daze as he pretends to hear his best friend talk.  He decides he no longer wishes to listen to the other speak, to catch the happy smiles and shy glances that aren’t meant for him.  He’d rather drown himself out than listen to to the exact future he had wanted with Daehyun so badly, but now it’s nothing but a fleeting dream.  When Daehyun waves a final goodbye, Youngjae crashes his back into the lockers as he slowly slides down to the floor.  He pulls his knees to his chest and rests his forehead between them.  His chin is tilted up as he bites his lip, a wave of emotions washing over him. 

_Why can’t it be me?_

 


	2. Falling Down

Youngjae is twenty when he confesses to Daehyun and has his heart broken in the same night. They’ve moved in together after high school as they’re both attending the same college. It was a hard decision for Youngjae to make, especially since Daehyun and Sunwoong had gotten serious over the years. But he decides he’d rather be in Daehyun’s life as a best friend than nothing at all. It’s all that’s being offered to Youngjae at this point, something that he has to live with. It kills Youngjae to see the elder so happy, to receive text messages telling him that Daehyun isn’t returning that night. He wants to rip out his eyes whenever he sees Sunwoong walking about in their apartment, Daehyun’s shirt draped lazily around his shoulders. He does his best to avoid them, to keep his distance. After all, there is only so much that Youngjae can take. The years have made him fragile, a simple pin prick can shatter his whole being. But he bears through it all, for Daehyun. He’s sacrificing everything to stay in the elder’s life, to still see his smile, to hear Daehyun tell him that he loves him, despite knowing that the elder’s feelings are only platonic. Youngjae knows he’s stupid for staying, for facing all of this head on as his feelings rest in the shadows. But Daehyun is so much a part of his life that Youngjae doesn’t know what he would do if he were no longer in it.

But one day, Daehyun comes home a mess. He’s been having trouble with his boyfriend, and it seems that they’ve just ended it. Youngjae would be lying if he said that he didn’t feel happy when he heard, but the way Daehyun is crumpled into himself makes his heart hurt more than it ever has before. It aches in a way that makes him want to drag Sunwoong by the hair and burn him alive for what he’s done. Youngjae wants to beat him, to tear at his skin for giving up the very person he’s been longing to be with. He wished so many times to somehow trade places with him, to experience for at least a day how it feels to be loved by Daehyun, to have his arm around him. But Sunwoong’s stupidly given that up, throwing away the man that Youngjae loves until this day. The younger doesn’t know if he should be grateful or angry at Sunwoong for what he’s done. He’s managed to take the confident and sexy Daehyun and reduce him into a moping body laying in the sheets while time goes by. He’s altered the man Youngjae loves, and for that, the younger knows he can never forgive Sunwoong, he can only hate him now for taking all those years away from Daehyun, for taking all those years from him as well.

“Dae, you’ve got to get up. There isn’t any use to be just lying around in bed,” Youngjae says as he sits on top of the other’s mattress. It’s been three weeks since they’ve broken things off. All the elder does is go to work, school, and lie in his bed as he watches stupid rom-com movies on Netflix until he finally falls asleep. He’ll comment here and there about his ex, saying how he is the same as one of the characters. Then he’ll start to cry and shut the television off, moving to rest his back onto the headboard as he tries to get his mind off of things.

“Leave me alone,” Daehyun mopes, the sheets pulled over his head.

“I can’t stand seeing you like this, Daehyun. You’re just so miserable.” There is this voice in the back of his mind telling him to make his move. He knows that he’d probably be a scum bag for preying upon Daehyun in such a vulnerable state, but he can’t help but want to tell him everything. Because he is so sure that he can make Daehyun happier, more than Sunwoong could ever. He’s known Daehyun all his life. Youngjae just wants the chance to show Daehyun how much he loves him; how much he can make the elder happy. He just wants the opportunity before it slips through his fingers once again. Because Youngjae’s been hurting too, much more than Daehyun will ever know. He’s been hiding his feelings for so long that Youngjae’s afraid that one day it’ll burst. It’s like a headache that never leaves, a sharp pain in his side that refuses to disappear. There is only so much that Youngjae can keep hidden, and with all these emotions running so rampant in his mind, he doesn’t know if he can keep them in any longer.

“Dae, please. You have to move on.”

“Just get out, Jae. I’m not in the mood for a pep talk right now.”

“And when will you be? You’ve been in this stupid funk since the two of you broke up! When are you going to stop this and go back to the Daehyun I know?”

“Can you just stop? I don’t need this right now. Let me cope with this shit in my own way. Besides, why do you care? You never liked Sunwoong anyways.”

“Because it hurts me to see you like this! Can you imagine how I feel whenever you’re like this? This isn’t how you’re supposed to be. You aren’t like this, Dae.”

“And how do you know that? What if this is who I am now? What if this is who I’ve become? Will you hate me now?”

“Don’t say something stupid, you know that I’ll never hate you,” Youngjae says as he tries to scoot closer to his elder, his hand placed gently above Daehyun’s upper thigh.

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just, can’t you let me suffer for a while? Just let this stuff play out until I can get up on my own. I loved him so much. I was even thinking about getting married.”

“No,” Youngjae states firmly, his heart shattering along the floor. He doesn’t know if he was replying to Daehyun’s question or saying it for himself, but it didn’t really matter. His fingers clench at he elder’s statement, a fit of anger slowing building up inside him. There is so much running through the younger’s mind right now, so much that it is pounding against his skull. He can’t find his breath as he continues to stare at his elder, allowing everything to sink in. Marriage. That would have been the last straw, Youngjae wouldn’t be able to take it after. Seeing Daehyun so happy would make Youngjae miserable, he’d live everyday a lie, pretending to be happy for his best friend’s upcoming nuptials. But all the while, he’d be hating himself, wondering why Daehyun couldn’t notice how much he’s breaking in the inside, why he couldn’t spare some of his own heart for Youngjae. _Did you love him that much?_

“Why?”

“Because I love y--” Youngjae covers his mouth quickly before he finishes his sentence. With all the thoughts and emotions running in his head, the words just slip out of his mouth. It’s too late for him to take it all back, and he can’t run away, not this time. He’s wished for so long to tell Daehyun how he feels, and this is what he wanted, right? He wanted to show Daehyun how much he can make him happier, how much he can love him. But now that this moment has seeped out of his emotions and become reality, Youngjae can only count the seconds until his elder opens his mouth to speak.

“You mean as a friend, right? Because I love you too, Jae,” Daehyun says warily. He waits for a response from the younger, but he doesn’t get it. He’s met with silence instead as Youngjae readjusts his body and withdraws into himself.

Youngjae makes his mind up swiftly, he doesn’t want to lie anymore. It’s now or never he believes. He doesn’t think that he can live through another one of Daehyun’s lovers without the elder knowing his feelings. He’s already done it once, there was no way in hell he was going to do it again. His feelings have been bottled up for so long, and now that they’re out, he refuses to go back to square one. Youngjae is just so tired of all the shit he’s been through that he doesn’t care anymore. He only hopes that somewhere deep down, Daehyun has some feelings for him as well. That at some point, their friendship had developed into something more for the elder, but as Youngjae looks at the frown on Daehyun’s lips, his hopes diminish before he can even put up a fight.

“For how long?” Daehyun asks as he sits up, his voice serious.

“A long time,” Youngjae confesses through cracked lips.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” the elder asks.

“Because I was afraid that you don’t feel the same way. And then you got a boyfriend, so I never got the chance. I’m not a home wrecker, Dae.”

“But why say it now?”

Youngjae whips his head up, a tinge of anger suddenly appearing in his face. “Can you imagine how it feels to love someone who will never love you back? You were so happy with Sunwoong, was I supposed to go and ruin it all? Can you imagine how I felt when you talked to me about him, how I wished so hard to be in his place? How do you think I felt when ever I’d come home early and see your clothes scattered around the floor, when I’d come into your room and see you both sleeping soundly in each other’s arms? It felt like I was dying, like part of me had withered away. And you ask me why I’m saying it now? Most people wouldn’t have put up with that shit, but I did. I thought that I could cope with everything as long as I was still in your life. But I’ve had it Dae, there is only so much that I can take,” the younger almost yells as he feels tears brimming at his eyes.

There is a silence that envelopes them. Neither knows what to say as Youngjae tries to catch his breath, his voice lodged in his throat. He tries to calm himself down, to keep his feelings within his reach before he explodes again. He can feel his chest shaking as he looks to his hands, waiting with a heavy heart for Daehyun to say something, anything.

“Now what?” Daehyun asks warily.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to lose you. You’re still my best friend. But do you ever think that we could possibly--”

“No,” Daehyun says bluntly.

Youngjae’s voice hitches when he hears Daehyun’s reply. The elder didn’t even let him finish. There is a white noise buzzing in his ears as he feels his body numbing, the blood rushing to his head. He tries to pull any type of reaction out of himself, but Youngjae can’t find the strength to do that. He feels as if he’s been punched in the stomach, a searing pain shooting up into his chest. He can only stare wide eyed at his elder, his body pulled so tightly into a rigid form that he can’t even register anything but his own thoughts.

Youngjae feels the tears start to fall, but he manages to barely hold them in as he swallows hard and gets up to leave. He’s fast in his steps as he races against time to grab his things and get out. He can’t be here right now, not when the wounds are still so fresh and the memories keep replaying in his mind.

“Wait, wait!” Daehyun calls out as he catches the younger by the wrist.

“For what? For you to throw my feelings back to my face? I’ve put been putting up with a lot of shit with you, but why? You couldn’t even let me finish my sentence,” the younger spats.

“Because I’m afraid of losing you. I don’t want to ruin what we have. You’re so special to me Youngjae, and if something happens between us, something that we can’t fix, I can’t bear to lose you. When it comes down to it, you’re all I have left in the world.” Daehyun’s lips are trembling, and Youngjae _almost_ feels bad for him. He can see how shaken the elder is about everything, but what about him? In one instant, he’s had hope and rejection trail across his eyes. The only person Youngjae should be feeling sorry about is himself, for putting up with all that bullshit and being left empty handed in the end.

“But you expect me to suffer quietly while life goes on and you get a new boyfriend? Are you that cruel, Daehyun?” Youngjae retorts as he pulls his arm away from his elder. He goes to the door way and slips on his shoes, his body cringing as he hears Daehyun coming closer.

“No, I don’t know! But what I do know is that I don’t want to risk our relationship. If we ever do fall in love, I don’t know if it’ll last. You’re my best friend, I love you, Jae.” Daehyun grabs onto Youngjae’s cold hands and smiles tenderly to his younger, his fingers squeezing tightly.

Youngjae scoffs as he starts to retract into himself, his arms pulling harshly to release himself from the other’s hold. “But not in the way I do.”

Before Daehyun can even reply, the younger opens the door and leaves. He can feel the tears falling across his cheeks as he picks up the pace, his body finally crashing into an abandoned alley somewhere in the middle of Seoul. He can feel his cell phone vibrating nonstop. Youngjae knows it’s Daehyun without even checking. But he can’t face the elder, let alone hear his voice. He can barely even breathe at this point. The last thing he needs is another apology.  
  


*         *         *  


Youngjae is twenty-one when he gets his first boyfriend. His name is Himchan and he’s four years older than him. He’s a grad student, studying for his PhD in nineteenth century English literature. He’s sorta a hipster with well defined features and the palest skin he’s ever seen. Himchan treats Youngjae like he’s the most precious thing in the world and holds him like he’s made of glass. He kisses the younger with so much passion that Youngjae gets the wind knocked out of him. He fucks likes he’s born to fit into Youngjae perfectly, his movements so full of love that Youngjae can hardly contain himself.

They met on an off day when Youngjae was out moping over Daehyun. They’ve somehow made up after that whole fiasco last year. Neither mentions it for fear of what might happen. But Youngjae was still so in love with him that he needed to get away from the elder every now and then. The younger managed to walk into Himchan in one of his dazes, spilling the elder’s coffee all over him. Youngjae quickly apologized, but Himchan brushed it off, asking for a date instead.

It took Youngjae a while to accept, but he did so nevertheless. He thought that if Daehyun could go around sleeping with everyone he met, then he should finally try to let go of him and move on. He can’t keep living the rest of his life waiting for a man who doesn’t want him. And he made the right decision, as he and Himchan have been going strong while his friendship with Daehyun is breaking at the seams.

Daehyun comes home drunk one night like he’s always been. Youngjae doesn’t know why he still lives with the elder, why he puts up with so much shit. Himchan has offered for him to move into his apartment time and time again. He doesn’t want his boyfriend to be living with someone who brings Youngjae so many bad memories, but the younger refuses every time. He doesn’t know why; any logical person would have left ages ago. But there is still this attachment that the younger has towards Daehyun. No matter what the elder does, he can’t find it in his heart to leave Daehyun. He’s stupid, Youngjae knows, but he can’t deny that he doesn’t still have feelings for the elder. He knows that he has Himchan, but he’s been in love with Daehyun for all his life, it’s hard to change that, even now. There is just something inside him that still wants to hold onto the slim chance that they may end up together, that Daehyun may wake up one day and realize all the shit he’s done and finally come to his feelings for Youngjae. But hope is only fleeting, because as Daehyun continues to come home as he is, the bond that Youngjae has with the elder breaks every day, until their relationship is now only held together by a thin thread ready to snap.

“Youngjae~” the elder coos as he tries to throw himself on the other, his body limp and heavy.

“Get away, Daehyun. You reek of alcohol and sex,” Youngjae replies as he moves away. He watches as the elder slumps to the couch, his back leaned lazily to the arm rest. His legs are sprawled along the cushions as he takes out a cigarette. Youngjae looks at him with distaste as he lights the cigarette and places it into his mouth. He remembers a time where Daehyun used to hate drinking and smoking, where he would look down upon those who did. But that was when Daehyun was the man Youngjae once knew, now he’s just a sex crazed animal who cares about nothing but himself. “What happened to you? When did you become like this?”

“Don’t give me that shit, Youngjae. Nothing is wrong with me. But I’m surprised you noticed anything since you’re spending all your fucking time with Himchan,” Daehyun retorts.

“And what’s wrong with me spending time with my boyfriend? It’s not like you’re ever home to hang out with me. You’re always out fucking and partying. Do you even go to school anymore?” Youngjae says angrily as he moves to face Daehyun. He’s so tired of Daehyun acting this way. He has no right to question him when he never complains about Daehyun’s decisions to have sex practically every day with people he doesn’t even give a damn about.

“Don’t fucking lecture me like you’re my mom. I don’t need this from you,” the elder says as he narrows his eyes.

“You’re right, Daehyun. Who am I to care about my best friend? Why should I give two shits when your life is spiraling out of control?” Youngjae says angrily as he crosses his arms. Daehyun has become so reckless, how can Youngjae not worry? He’s loved Daehyun for so long, he cares about him so much. But this, this isn’t who Daehyun is, and it pains Youngjae to think that the little boy he met years ago turned into someone he can’t even recognize. They no longer see each other, there is a space between them that neither of them can fill. They have empty conversations on the few times that they see each other, which usually ends in an argument over the way Daehyun has been acting. They don’t even seem like friends anymore, and it hurts for Youngjae to realize this. He’d given up so much to keep Daehyun in his life, only to have their relationship fall between the cracks.

There is a silence that surrounds them as Youngjae rests against the arm of a chair, his eyes fixated on Daehyun as he slumps into his himself, the cigarette now put out and smashed into the ash tray. The elder’s eyes are dull and Youngjae can tell that he’s thinking hard about something, but he can’t tell what it is. He remembers a time where he could read his elder’s mind, where they could finish each other’s sentences. He remembers a time when Daehyun’s smile was so bright that couldn’t help but stare. He remembers a time where the elder’s presence alone would make his heart beat, but those are all memories now. They’re cut to pieces by the realty that is proving to be too much for the both of them, straining themselves to hold onto something that no longer exists.

“How did we become like this?” Youngjae asks as he sits down, his voice hoarse and tired.

“I don’t know,” Daehyun replies as he sits up, the backs of his hands rubbing at his eyes.

“Yes, you do.” Youngjae pauses a bit before he takes in a breath, thinking over what he is going to say. “Everything changed when I told you how I feel, when you told me that you’d never think of becoming more than just friends. This is your fault. You made us how we are. You couldn’t even give us a chance. Is this what you wanted to happen instead, us yelling and at each other’s throats?”

“No, Youngjae, that’s--”

“Just admit it, Daehyun. We were stupid to think that we could somehow remain friends after that. Is this what you wanted?” Youngjae asks with a weary heart, his lip trebling as his voice cracks towards the end.

“No, never in a million years,” Daehyun admits as he leans forward and rests his face into his hands.

“If I told you I still loved you, would you still push me away?”

Daehyun lifts his head instantly, his eyes wide. His lips are parted and chapped, ready to say something in return, but nothing comes out. Youngjae waits in anticipation, his heart beating into his ears. He leans closer to the elder, Youngjae knows that there is something left unsaid, and he hopes that it’ll be the words he’s been waiting to here. But it’s all in vain when he is met with silence again, and it takes all he has to not scream. Its frustrating and painful, Youngjae thinks as he stares as Daehyun’s rigid form. The elder is unmoving as his eyes become dull, staring off to the side and never meeting with Youngjae’s. He wants to grab Daehyun by the collar and yell at him, forcing him to say what he’s been hiding. He wants to throw things against the wall, punch the elder in the face. But what’s the point? They’re too far gone and nothing can help them now. If Daehyun isn’t going to say anything, then why should Youngjae care anymore?

The younger cringes as he gets up from his seat, his weary body moving slowly past Daehyun to grab his keys by the door. He toes his shoes on and slips his arms through his jacket. He’s had enough of Daehyun for one night; he needs to be with someone he knows actually cares for him.

“Are you going to him?” Daehyun asks with a strained voice as Youngjae puts his hand on the door knob.

“What do you think?” Youngjae hisses as he stiffens in his place, his back stoically facing Daehyun.

“Do you love him?” the elder asks as he peers to other with red eyes.

Youngjae takes in a deep breath. “He loves me more than you ever will.”

“But do you love him?” Daehyun asks again.

“Yes.” Youngjae slams the door after he answers. He moves fast in case Daehyun comes after him. It isn’t until he’s reached the lobby of their apartment complex that his back is pressed along a wall, his breath short and staggered. He waits there until he calms himself, hoping on the slim chance that Daehyun would come running down and apologize. He’d hoped the elder would realize everything when he left, that they could finally stop lying to each other and try to work at their broken relationship. But Daehyun doesn’t come. He never does. And Youngjae is stupid to hope for the same thing over and over again, despite knowing that it’ll never come true.

Youngjae reaches into his pocket and fishes out his phone. He taps at the screen a couple of times before he finds the number he’s been searching for, dialing it right away. When the line is answered, he breathes shakily as he tries not to cry. “Hey baby, can you come pick me up?”  
  


*         *         *   
  


Youngjae is twenty-five when he gets engaged. Himchan proposes over a candle lit dinner at their favorite restaurant. The elder manages to bring in a local acappella group to sing their favorite songs. The waiters and waitresses come in with cakes and candles, humming along to the beat. When Himchan kneels down and presents the ring to Youngjae, he accepts in a heart beat, kissing every inch of his lover’s face.

“You’ve made me the happiest man alive,” Himchan whispers into his ear that night. Youngjae smiles up to him, burying his face into his lover’s chest as he closes his eyes and wraps his arms around his fiancé.

Youngjae is back at his old apartment to collect the last of his things. He doesn’t know how he managed to still live with Daehyun after everything, but today is the day he’s finally leaving for good. He remembers the day they first looked at the place, the excitement they felt about becoming independent. He thinks of the times he’s spent together with Daehyun, of the moments that he can barely hold on to now that they’ve become so distant that neither bothers to call anymore. He thinks of the fond memories, of the laughs and times they’ve shared. Daehyun was his best friend, and it hurts Youngjae that they’ve been reduced to this.

“Youngjae?” the elder says as he stands between his bedroom door.

The younger whips his head around in shock, his arms almost dropping the boxes in his hands. “Daehyun, I didn’t know you were home.”

“Yeah…” he trails off. “So you’re finally moving out, huh?” the elder laments, his eyes sad. Youngjae gets a good look at the other after some months. They haven’t seen each other in a while, and Youngjae notes that Daehyun looks slimmer. He has dark circles encompassing his eyes, sunken cheeks molded into paler skin. His lips are chapped and he looks like the life had been sucked out of his body. There is a pang in Youngjae’s chest as he gazes at his old friend, his shoulders slumping when he remembers how Daehyun used to exude with radiance, how his very presence could brighten up a room. But now, he just looks so sad and worn, like fifty years had passed before him.

“I’ve moved out for a while, Dae. I’m only getting the few things I’ve left behind.”

Silence. It’s a common friend that always accompanies the two whenever they’re together, only to be broken by a heart shattering or their friendship breaking. Youngjae wonders when this horrid game will end, when all their suffering can finally stop and they can look at each other without thinking of everything wrong between them.

“So you’re getting married? Will I get an invitation?” Daehyun tries to joke, his voice cracking.

Youngjae smiles bittersweetly. “Of course you will.”

When the younger finally gathers enough courage to look Daehyun in the eyes, he gasps as the items in his hands fall to the floor. Youngjae is frozen when he looks upon the elder’s face full of tears, Daehyun’s hand covering his mouth to muffle his cries.

“I’m sorry, I just-” the elder tries to say between ragged breaths. His body is shaking as Youngjae watches, his knees feeling as if they’re about to give out. “Please, don’t marry him.”

Youngjae’s jaw goes slack as he feels his heart pushing at his chest. He can feel his knees giving out as he grips onto the table next to him, his heartbeat slowing as he gasps fervently into the air.

“W-Why?” the younger manages to say as he steps back in shock.

“Because I love you. I think I’ve always loved you and I was just too stupid to realize only now.” There is a sad smile spread across Daehyun’s lips as the tears roll down his skin, long streaks of bottled up emotions finally being let out.

“Out of all the times, you choose now to tell me this? When I’m fucking engaged to someone else? I gave you so many chances, Daehyun!” Youngjae shouts as the anger starts to boil inside him.

“I’m sorry! I thought I was right in trying to save our friendship, but all I did was fuck everything up. We aren’t even considered friends anymore and now everything is too late,” Daehyun cries as he sinks to the floor, his face nestled into his hands.

“When I finally think I can be happy; how can you do this to me?” Youngjae sits down, a headache creeping up his neck and making him feel dizzy. It’s like the whole room is spinning and he’s stuck on some ride that’ll never end. He feels nauseous as he drowns out the noise, his mind empty. He can’t even comprehend what is going on right now. He’s been waiting his entire life for Daehyun to tell him that, but now that it’s actually happened, he doesn’t know what to do. The elder waited too long, put Youngjae through so much shit. It’s just too much for him to even handle right now, when he’s so close to experiencing happiness for the first time. There are so many emotions running through him that he can’t even separate his own thoughts from everything else. Youngjae doesn’t know what to feel, what to do. His mind can’t even register what Daehyun just said, what he’s even doing.

“I can’t be here. I’m sorry, it’s just too much.” Youngjae runs away before Daehyun can say anything. He’s out the door and soon out of the lobby. He winds up in a park on a cold night after aimlessly wandering the streets. His phone has been going off, probably Himchan or Daehyun calling to check up on him, but he can’t find it in himself to answer it.

Youngjae looks up to the stars, the bright lights providing him with the solace he so desperately needs. The tears have dried and the calls have stopped. He’s left alone with his own thoughts pushing within his mind. He doesn’t know what to do, who to choose. It’s like his heart is split into two, a battle line drawn in the middle. He knows that the right choice would be Himchan. He was there when everything in his life was swirling out of control. He picked up the pieces of Youngjae’s broken heat and mended it all at once. He held Youngjae when he was scared, comforted him when he cried. Himchan was everything good in the younger’s life, but Youngjae couldn’t deny the fact that deep inside, he still loved Daehyun. He’s tried to lie to himself, to hold onto his pride and force himself to deny his feelings. But the truth is, he’s never stopped loving Daehyun. The elder is a part of Youngjae, so much that he can’t even think what it would be like to be without him. Though Daehyun had hurt Youngjae over and over again, the younger still wanted him in his life. But were he to marry Himchan, Daehyun would no longer be there. The elder isn’t one to stick around when he feels he isn’t wanted. He’d leave Youngjae and would never see him again. But was Youngjae okay with that?

His mind was pounding, swirling with so many thoughts that he wanted to just forget about everything and run away. But he couldn’t, not now. Because he had to make a choice, and what ever he decided, he knows he’d never see the other person ever again. Youngjae leans back into the park bench, his head hung back as he closes his eyes. He takes in a deep breath as he bites his lip, his mind weighing out the options. Youngjae doesn’t know what to do, but whatever he chooses, hearts will be broken, and he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to repair his with the biggest crack of them all.  
  


*         *         *  
  


Youngjae is twenty-five and a half when he breaks his engagement with Himchan. He cries and cries as he apologizes to Himchan, but he’s realized that Himchan deserves someone who can love him completely. He’s figured out that he can’t be the one to do that as part of his heart still belongs to Daehyun. Himchan is everything good in the world and Youngjae doesn’t want to be the one to drag him down. He knows he’d be happy with his lover, but there would always be this voice in the back of his head asking him what if he had chosen Daehyun. And that wouldn’t be fair to Himchan, or to himself. So he decided to call everything off, waving goodbye to his ex fiancé with a weary smile and a heavy heart. He only hopes now that he’s made the right decision and won’t regret it in the future. He tells Himchan that he wants him to find happiness with someone else, and that when he does, he wants Himchan to forget him because no matter how much Youngjae cares for his lover, he could never make him truly happy. They’re both crying when they part, and it takes all of Youngjae to pry Himchan’s cold fingers off of his body. He comes close to caving in and taking back what he’s said, but what Youngjae looks upon Himchan’s face, he knows he’s made the right decision, no matter how painful.

Youngjae takes a small vacation to Jeju Island to clear his head, to get away from everything and focus on himself for a while. He hasn’t told anyone of his trip, least of all Daehyun. He needs to figure himself out, to take a break and start fresh. He’s lived through so much pain that he figured its time he escaped from it for once and learn how to cater to himself.

He’s walking down the beach when he sees a man standing tall above the sand, small castles built around him. It’s hard to make out who it is, but as he approaches the other, he freezes and wraps his arms around himself.

“What are you doing here?” Youngjae asks as the elder turns around, a bouquet of roses held in his hands. “Those aren’t for me, are they?”

“It’s too much, huh?” Daehyun asks as he scratches the back of his head timidly.

Youngjae nods his head. “How did you even know I was here?”

“Your mom…” Daehyun trails off. “I heard you’ve called off your engagement.”

“I didn’t do it for you. I did it for Himchan, he deserves better than me,” Youngjae says as he stares at the tiny waves crashing against the shore.

“Oh,” Daehyun says sadly, his head dropping a bit.

“Daehyun, I hope you know that this isn’t a sign that I want to be with you. You’ve hurt me, so many times. You knew how I felt, yet you’ve ignored my feelings and did as you pleased. I’ve always secretly waited for you to tell me you love me, but you never did.”

“I know. I know I fucked up. I can’t take back everything I’ve done, all I can do now is try and make it up to you, if you’d give me the chance. I know that I can make you happy, I really do love you, Youngjae, and I hate myself for only telling you this now, but I don’t think I can imagine my life without you. I’m willing to do anything it takes to have your forgiveness, and to give me another chance.”

“I can’t, not now. We’ve got too much between us and even though I still love you, we can’t.”

“But--”

Youngjae smiles sadly as a tear falls down his face. “You were my best friend, and I love you. But we, _us_ ,” the younger shakes his head as he presses his lips into a thin line. His eyes are looking above as he wipes beneath his eyes, mouth now hanging as his lips tremble. He’s trying so hard to hold everything back, but he can’t seem to even swallow without it getting stuck in his throat.

“I’m sorry.” Youngjae tells Daehyun one last time before he turns and walks away. He doesn’t look back when he hears the roses being thrown into the ocean, the water washing away the broken down sand castles that Daehyun’s kicked over. His heart bleeds as he walks further away, the elder’s screams echoing in the distance. 

*         *         *  


_“Hey, Youngjae! We’ll be friends forever, right?” Daehyun asks as he pats his hands into the sand._

_“Duh,” Youngjae retorts as he kneels in place and grabs a shovel from the ground._

_"Will you always be my best friend, and always be with me and play with me and stuff?”_

_“Of course, silly! We’re going to grow old and be super cool friends still,” Youngjae smiles as he carves into their sandcastle._

_“What if one us is mean?”_

_“That’ll never happen. We’re best friends, remember? Best friends don’t do mean things to each other.”_

_“You’re right, Jae. I’ll never be mean to you for as long as I live,” Daehyun declares as he holds up his right hand._

_“Do you promise?” Youngjae asks as he peers up into his elder’s eyes._

_“Yeah! You’re my best friend! I will never hurt you, Jae.”_


End file.
